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Hey! Do you 49 followers know that you can ask me about stuff?
Click it. Ask stuff.
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The Gospel According To Will, continued.
I did this before, but I really want to keep doing it from time to time. So here’s my retelling of Jesus’s sermon on the mount.
Mattycakes, Ch. 5-7: And Jesus, seeing that he had tons of fans, left his smoke-filled dressing room and went to the top of the mount. And he opened his mouth, and following the residual smell of the dank holy weed, he spaketh:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they kinda don’t have much.”
“Blessed are they that mourn, for they’re kinda sad and stuff.”
“Blessed are the meek, for… wait, what does meek mean again? Uh… let me get back to that one.”
“And blessed is everyone else, ‘cuz I’m tired of blessing people.”“Yeah man, I’m not here to screw up your sh** or anything, you know? If you break the commandments or the law, man… then your sh**’s effed up. Not that I’m saying it’s bad, brother… just don’t do it. I mean, heaven’s totally exclusive, dude. You gotta be totally righteous to get in to heaven, man! Like toooootally!”
“If you get angry at your bros, man, and you look at him like “Bro, I’m angry at you”, then it’s sort of like, I don’t know, it’s sort of like you killed him. So don’t do that.”
“If you look upon a fine lady like, “Damn, that is a fine piece of ass,” then that’s not cool, dude. Don’t do that. Like, even if she says that it’s okay. It’s not. And don’t masturbate. If your hand does that, dude, that’s just wrong. No one wants mastur-hand. Cut it off.”
“Yeah, I mean… just don’t do a lot of bad stuff, bros! Just believe in peace and love among people! I mean, imagine all the people living life in peace! Yoo hoo hoooo! I mean, so just believe in that, dudes and dudettes. Otherwise my Dad’s gonna take away my stash and then I’ll have to go apesh** on y’all. So yeah. Peace out, homeslices.”
And a great number followed Jesus, basking in his enlightenment and dankitude.
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PLEASE HELP
The scheduling system at our school is crashing because all 2,000 freshmen are trying to sign up at once.
I applied for classes yesterday due to my credits. I didn’t get what I wanted, but if my override forms go through I should be able to finagle something out.
However, my roommate is currently spitting red raging bullets because the system is constantly overloading, meaning it:
a) logs him out, forcing him to log back in and start everything all over again, or
b) slaps him with errors and roadblocks, such that he wastes time and loses his spot in a class.He’s going to kill someone. My roommate is homicidal. I see the knife. Oh crap. Oh crappity crap.
Please help.
(PS: My roommate = every freshman on campus right now.)
EDIT: Turns out that the system was really just taking its sweet time telling my roommate that he was actually REGISTERED for all of the classes he wanted… so I’m safe for now. Oh technology, you slayyyyyyyyyy me.
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SO TOMORROW IS SCHEDULING DAY.
This is what I want my schedule to look like. Wake up early on MWF, sleep in on TR. It’s worked wonders for me this semester.
Of course, knowing my luck, this will not happen. :( Here’s hoping, though.
(I REALLY NEED THAT ACTING CLASS AT 10 AM GUYS DON’T FILL THAT UP I NEEEEED THAT)
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VAMPIRES ARE GOING TO EAT ME TOMORROW
But in seriousness, I’m getting blood drawn tomorrow. I signed up for the blood drive.
To be honest, I really hate the idea of blood leaving my body. It’s like someone or something is taking away the very thing that keeps me alive. (Just like what happens when you take a black shirt away from Steve Jobs, or that big pointy hat from the Pope, or Justin Bieber’s not-puberty.) But I was helping my friend at the sign-up booth, and she asked “You’re getting blood drawn too, right?” I couldn’t say no.
Meep. I’m scared.
And what stinks is that I have a paper to write as well as a segment of Greener Pastures (college TV show) to edit, so you can bet your tuchus that I will not be sleeping well. And that I will be getting minimal vitamin C in my bloodstream, but maximum caffeine.
I pity the fool who gets my blood. You will be bouncing off the walls. Thumbs up!
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A Word To The Wise
No, Will. Those girls in bikins are only thirteen. THIRTEEN, WILL. What self respecting legal chick would go to an indoor waterpark?
Anyway, they’re jailbait. Don’t let them fool you. Especially if they invite you back to their hotel room for punch and “Truth Or Dare”. That combo is the WORST.
This is something I actually had to tell my evil subconscious twin today. I am a sad, sad, sad, sad person.
God damn you, Will. God damn you.
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CONFESSION.
Filming the latest episode has made me realize that I make a frighteningly ugly girl. Pics soon to come.
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“timmy now slow down, mommy has a yeast infection and i’m trying not to change my underwear before 5”
FREE THE LEESH KIDS!
This was me. Yikes.
