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So You Wanna Make A Porno
For Tumblr Tuesday, a quick 10-step guide to making a porno how I see fit.
1. You’re probably only making this porn flick to get off, so why don’t you go ahead and cast yourself first.
2. Cast a hot broad. Okay, scratch that. Cast a moderately cute indie broad. Indie is the new mainstream these days, which is kind of fsxked up in the first place, but right now that doesn’t matter. Either way, she should have pleasant breasts.
3. Odd locations are best. Smut viewers are sick and tired of the old bedroom/bathroom/parents’ couch shtick. FInd somewhere ridiculous, like the middle of the ocean. Or the drug store. Or a drug store in the ocean. Make it work. If all else fails, film it in space. Pathetic dudes love naked chicks in space.
4. Make sure there’s some dumb story to go along with the sex. For example, she’s a schoolgirl who’s done something naughty, and the only payment is to be naughty for the principal. Or: she’s a trumpeter who can’t blow so well, but she can do other things. Cliched storylines will work, but if you can be original, you’ll be one of a kind. If all else fails, film it in space.
5. Not too hairy. This goes for both sides. Exception: Dudes must not be too clean either.
6. Try various positions. The old missionary-doggy-cowgirl-money shot progression just doesn’t cut it anymore. One that is quite exquisite: the lotus-milk and water-scissor-climax. It requires some risky business, so you may want to use extra protection. Especially on the scissor part.
7. Remember that some TV and internet voyeurs are very quick to the punch while others take their sweet time. In that case, the average length of your porn should be between 20 and 25 minutes.
8. The climax should be cheesy and overblown. Make a volcano explode or a lightbulb explode or a car explode or the White House explode. Explosions are key here, as is the quality of the O-face.
9. When it comes to the money shot, have your guy shout “MONEY!” This lets the audience know that your movie is over, but alerts them of the proper time to let loose their unborn children and/or love juices. If they do not or can not or already have, you may have unbalanced the flow of your movie.
10. Remember to keep the names of your girls on tap for future productions. Unless they become old/have kids/have surgery/suddenly become very, very ugly, they’ll probably oblige if you have the cash money. If all else fails, you can film it in space… with aliens. Awwwwww yeah.
Good luck, and happy… well, you know.
~Will
